For those who are interested, this is about love. Specifically about a person who I used to be in love with. Here's the really terrible part: I was not a good partner. Scary to admit. It's taken me years to understand just what was going on. Here's the basic scoop.

To put it bluntly I was:
Self-absorbed
Self-pitying
Emotionally indulgent
Chemically indulgent (wine and adderall - drank like fish!)
Jealous
Insecure
Directionless
Immature
Dishonest
Dramatic
Manipulative, especially towards the end of my drinking and pill use

I wasn't all of these things everyday, of course. But that's how they hide from us in delusion. Do one nice thing or have a few nice thoughts and all of a sudden you're justifying tons of bad behavior in other areas. It's amazing how little direction I had. Since everyone else seemed to "get" life and I didn't, it was an excuse to constantly reinvent myself. I was obliged to drink more, be more outlandish, throw you off-guard, and be accountable to responsibility when I  felt like it - yikes!!

This is stuff I never imagined admitting or having the courage to admit out loud. And you know, being dramatic isn't necessarily a character flaw; it can be pretty damn fun and funny if used in the right time and setting. The rest of it though ...

How do people change?

---

I knew something was wrong, and so did other people. It took a program of vigorous honesty to help get me right. I have to be severely imperfect with people who can love me as I admit my honest failings and learn to change my actions. I have to be allowed to seek a spiritual answer within this and the spirit cannot be booze. Or drugs. It also cannot be romantic relationships or idol-worship. Meaning, basically, I cannot place others on a pedestal. Because, dammit, it is not fair.

I can't place myself on a pedestal, either, and neither can I throw myself under the bus. I'm a human amongst humans, a worker amongst workers. That's it. That's real freedom.

So I made an apology very recently towards the person I was in love with. Said that I was sorry for how I had behaved and, more importantly, outlined how I had behaved in detail. We wanna reach for certain things in those situations: "You did this, that's why I did that", etc. But that's not what this is about. It's about owning up for ourselves, period. And taking responsibility just for ourselves.

Three years together. Love you. If it was supposed to have been forever then it would have been. I am so very grateful for the time and love we shared. You can't know what it has meant to me, even now. And I'm a tiny bit grateful you won't ever read this.

Though can you tell I wish it were different?

I can't think of how to end this, except to admit that I still have some walls.

It's okay to protect ourselves.