I thought this stuff was bullshit for the longest time. Why? Cause I didn't know how to do ANY of it. 

Sarah Polley

Well. Some of you know that I'm a huge Sarah Polley fan. It started with Avonlea, when I was young. In fourth grade I made a best friend who introduced me to the wonders of the Victorian era. We loved Avonlea, American Girl dolls, and everything L.M. Montgomery. I remember that her favorite character was Anne, and mine was Emily. This is where I was introduced to Sarah Polley.

 She played the character from the books known as The Story Girl. 

I remember thinking "that girl is going somewhere special". What did I know? But she has! And every time she speaks she does it with such clarity and intelligence. Girl's got heart! She's been in some bigger stuff since but I haven't kept up with all of it. I'm glad she didn't get lost in the Thin Blond Girls of Film void that sometimes crops up. At any rate, when I saw a trailer for this "genre-twisting" new film, and saw that it was about her family and she was directing it ... talk about awesome. I wanted to jump up and cheer right in the theater. What grace that I have more decorum than action these days.   

STORIES WE TELL

 

I love stories. I love stories like I love pizza, bees and whole United Kingdom.
This one will be a brave winner.

Authentic.

Anxious couple of days! Started Friday and did not abate. On Saturday I went to a meeting in the morning and burst into tears. Sometimes those meetings are so full of fun and frolic, other times someone just ... cries. But even through crying, we all still laughed. And there is always this feeling of hope and action that is truly awesome. Finally, last night I ran a mile and a half to address the physical tension. Then I realized, after talking to my sponsor, that I suffer when it feels like there are no tangible solutions. My spiritual side was addressed, but what about the working world? I was under work stress when I didn't used to be, and realized it was simply time to re-evaluate my situation and how the daily stuff gets done. Maybe take a training course. It's kinda cool, means I have been at a job long enough to create and build on change.

So I watched a romantic comedy about serendipity. And ate pie. And took a bath. And today's another day. And it's all getting better, and I am getting more authentic.

It's not all downer shit!

And it's important for you to know that.

<3

What hurts the most besides your pain

Was I dishonest?

Did I not tell the truth?

Or did I speak, so bluntly,
So harshly,
That truth became a lie
when insanity and reason coalesced?

(Suffice to say I mixed things up too well.)

For those who are interested, this is about love. Specifically about a person who I used to be in love with. Here's the really terrible part: I was not a good partner. Scary to admit. It's taken me years to understand just what was going on. Here's the basic scoop.

To put it bluntly I was:
Self-absorbed
Self-pitying
Emotionally indulgent
Chemically indulgent (wine and adderall - drank like fish!)
Jealous
Insecure
Directionless
Immature
Dishonest
Dramatic
Manipulative, especially towards the end of my drinking and pill use

I wasn't all of these things everyday, of course. But that's how they hide from us in delusion. Do one nice thing or have a few nice thoughts and all of a sudden you're justifying tons of bad behavior in other areas. It's amazing how little direction I had. Since everyone else seemed to "get" life and I didn't, it was an excuse to constantly reinvent myself. I was obliged to drink more, be more outlandish, throw you off-guard, and be accountable to responsibility when I  felt like it - yikes!!

This is stuff I never imagined admitting or having the courage to admit out loud. And you know, being dramatic isn't necessarily a character flaw; it can be pretty damn fun and funny if used in the right time and setting. The rest of it though ...

How do people change?

---

I knew something was wrong, and so did other people. It took a program of vigorous honesty to help get me right. I have to be severely imperfect with people who can love me as I admit my honest failings and learn to change my actions. I have to be allowed to seek a spiritual answer within this and the spirit cannot be booze. Or drugs. It also cannot be romantic relationships or idol-worship. Meaning, basically, I cannot place others on a pedestal. Because, dammit, it is not fair.

I can't place myself on a pedestal, either, and neither can I throw myself under the bus. I'm a human amongst humans, a worker amongst workers. That's it. That's real freedom.

So I made an apology very recently towards the person I was in love with. Said that I was sorry for how I had behaved and, more importantly, outlined how I had behaved in detail. We wanna reach for certain things in those situations: "You did this, that's why I did that", etc. But that's not what this is about. It's about owning up for ourselves, period. And taking responsibility just for ourselves.

Three years together. Love you. If it was supposed to have been forever then it would have been. I am so very grateful for the time and love we shared. You can't know what it has meant to me, even now. And I'm a tiny bit grateful you won't ever read this.

Though can you tell I wish it were different?

I can't think of how to end this, except to admit that I still have some walls.

It's okay to protect ourselves.

As far as I'm concerned ...

The best thing about recovery is gaining emotional tools. This does not mean I feel good all the time. It does mean that when I don't feel good, or know my thinking isn't right (ie, when I get absurdly angry, when I get self-righteous, even those times when I feel petty cause guess what, it happens) ... there's something behind it. And I can call someone or get to the bottom of it using my new emotional tools.

When I'm disturbed, the problem is with ME.

"But other people do wrong things!" I know. Sometimes, they do or seem to. But where does going down that road get me? Worst case scenario? Drunk or dead. Best case scenario? I lose my emotional sobriety.

Sobriety comes in many forms. It's not only about a drink or drug. We learn quickly that "alcohol is but a symptom". For me it was a symptom of having little emotional control.  When I am irritable, restless and discontent there are people who would say that's a natural response to life and the shitty world we live in, etc etc. I say it's not a healthy response. My emotional sanity or lack thereof does not condone or condemn another's actions. It simply stands in my way or it helps me. I prefer it to help me. Frustration is when I used to give up. Now frustration is when I take a long, hard look at myself, reach out to friends and family, call my sponsor, review how well I've taken care of myself that day.

Pretty cool.

We say it's about learning to be human. I say being human doesn't have to be ugly. But if it is, that's ok and we move on forward. And try again the next day. And when we get it right we do not sabotage it. And when we need a friend we ask and, in between, we appreciate the hell out of every wonderful person who is in our lives! At least that's what I try doing. At the end of the day, or during, whether by reflection or saying words when the time feels right, "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world". - Funny Girl