The wondrous loving moments

I hesitate to post that I have met an incredible human. And, "okay", you say, I meet them every day. Everyone is incredible! You'd be right about this. But I met an incredible human who I let close to me in ways I don't let most other people, or, these days and past years, anyone at all. And this person is close to me in ways I don't "allow" per se - they're close to me because we hear each other on some profound level that can't be forced or willed; it just is. How many similarities and interesting things need to happen before sharing with you that I share a connection with another that is unlike any other? Is it like pregnancy, where you are supposed to wait "x" number of months? I am not sure. But if it ended tomorrow, I could share that I met an incredible human and had, over and over again, what a friend of mine has always called a "holy moment". Only these moments last and come back again the next day or next hour or next moment however it defines itself.

It's a really nice, comfortable, wondrous, even validating feeling that you've held out for what you knew would be the right thing and the absolute best thing for you. "Someday someone will come into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else."

Burma/Myanmar and Buddhism

I love Soundcloud, and this podcast about what's happening over there and in the context of Buddhism
On Being: Burma, Buddhism and Power

The introduction to Burma/Myanmar and Aung San Suu Kyi came in high school when I first saw this film

Please enjoy this VHS cover photo!


And saw Aung San Suu Kyi depicted in this scene

And ... what's my purpose?

It's useless to ask; I'll never know! But if I keep doing the next right thing then somehow, magically, it does come together enough for my emotional comfort. Like the Doctorow quote (I think):
writing (/slash/ life) is like driving on the highway in heavy fog; you can only see three feet in front of you but you can make the whole journey that way.

Pressure's off that way, and sky's the limit.

That's comfort by my book.

So my blog has a reader in ...Russia?

I don't believe it. Show yourself!

A Memory 2010

I am out in the woods. I am going to create a new world. I am going to start everything from the ground up. My physical suffering isn't the point - it's winter - as I'm already suffering, like it or not. I have a broken leg. And I'm cast out. I've dropped myself out. Society might as well not even exist. Except for the strange boy up the hill, and his awful parents who live in the filthiest trailer I have ever even conceived.

It gives me shudders to write this.

I'm down in a valley and there's an open space bordered by woods. About 2 acres. My dog is with me. Radar, the dog I have now. My best friend. The night before, I'd lit the wood stove in the abandoned car port. The space was too big and open to get warm, so I built a little shelter on the other side of the wall where the heat came through, in order to trap it. No telling if that was necessary, but it got us through the night. Port wine helped me forget that this was scary and almost not even possible. You can't build a new world. You can't create a new life. Right? You cannot do it alone. I know that's right. Or, I know that now.

I feel like I can't publish this without some catharsis. It's an awful point in the story. It's also an amazing point. It's a story that might need to be told because it was unusual, like all our stories. There's a peace mingled with terror as I write this. There's a knowing that one doesn't run from where one's been. There's no catharsis that happened on this land, just some very spooky stories. I wasn't there long, about 5 days in this location. How surreal. This is where I was. It's where I've been.

Food affects our mind, and ...

Things Are Good

Things ARE good! True, I can't sleep tonight. But things are good. I remember thinking they never would be again. There are no more chemicals in my body to mess up my mind and emotions. It's finally possible to live - just live. How strange and amazing. I remember thinking "how do they do it?" in the times (decades) when nothing seemed sustainable. Because it wasn't. No relationship had staying power, no job would be kept longer than the time it took to find somewhere to take off to. I don't run anymore, and it's scary. But also secure. There's no way in hell I will ever apologize for this, for this feeling of being here now. It's hard, daily work. But nothing ... Nothing ... NOTHING was harder than living an almost-there-but-never-will-be life.

I have a career I like.

I don't have a boyfriend, because the right one has not come along.

I have an honest way of living.

How cool is all of that?!?!