We Act Our Way to Right Thinking

I always was the person who wanted to "think" my way out. Acid was the best. Because I could think outside all worlds and in them and for HOURS. Whole nights, and hours. My mind was expanded. But I don't need that. I'm not giving up anything grand to go into recovery; I'm learning how to access that which has been there all along. It's like teleporting to heaven: "now what?" Where'd the journey go? The novelty of perfection wears off quick! Stepping on the sand lost its magic when I was always on it. (I just got back from beach time. Next we'll make a mountain/forest reference)

But here: this is what the journey's all about for me: it's: acting our way to right thinking. We have to act as if, sometimes. Like John Nash's character in the film A Beautiful Mind, when he said that all he had was a problem that he needed to form a solution to and solve? And his physician was very firm that he couldn't think his way out: "Your mind is where the problem is in the first place".

There it is.

Can't tell you what a relief it is to know my mind can be its own problem. It means I don't have to believe everything I think. Everything I think is not real just because I think it or feel it strongly. Holyfuck!

Oh. 

When I am stuck I take the next right action. Inevitably, I feel better. The next right action was historically a drink or other drug because I Could Not Stand the way I was feeling. And it's true! My feelings alone are unbearable without actions to overcome and work them out. The actions used to hurt me though I really thought they were helping me. I did feel better! It was the price I had to pay to erase my own awful feelings. I used to feel better on a drug induced come-down depression than, you know, without it on a regular depression because on drugs I could say to myself "hey. you're fucked up on drugs. it IS ok. you'll come down." the other druggies told me when and how long it would take to come down. No one could tell me how long my natural self would take to feel better, to come down, to feel less weird.

It's bad to risk your health for feeling better, but certainly understandable, like a wolf chewing its paw to escape a trap. My drug friends and I (and yes, they were friends. they stood by me countless times both physically and emotionally, good and bad, and I for them) could trip together and feel weird or good or crazy or awful but at least we were on the same trip.

In recovery, we're on the same trip. It is so cool! It's such a big deal. I have a code to live by, and I always wanted that.